This is the most appropriate catch phrase I can think of right now...the best way to describe my current approach to motherhood.
It has become quite clear to me that I honestly have NO clue what I am doing as a mom. None. Zip. Zilch. I know squat. I might be able to keep myself composed when out in public, but honestly - on the inside - I am a complete and utterly clueless mess. I don't know how to deal with the attitude and tantrums and talking back from my beautiful 6 1/2 years old daughters who constantly inform me that I am the meanest mom ever and that I am ruining their lives. I am incapable of silently ignoring the crying, yelling, foot-stomping, "humph"-ing, and disrespectful sauciness when those same adorable girls are told no, even though the parenting books and advice columns say to be strong, firm, patient, and to not give in. And don't even get me started on the tension and stress and arguments that seem to constantly erupt between me and my handsome and very patient husband, because I honestly have no idea how to fix that whole side of our relationship. I try to put on a happy face and pretend like everything is okay, because as a mom and wife that is what is expected of me...to be strong, resilient, independent, and to roll with the punches. I used to have myself fooled and I thought I was handling things just fine. BUT, I now realize that it was all a facade and I can no longer fool myself.
I am exhausted all the time, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder where the fun, spunky, confident, spirited Becky that I remember has gone. I would like to think the old me is still in there...that my frustration and discouragement and feelings of inadequacy have not completely consumed the fun, cheerful part of me. I am trying to be better. I constantly pray for help, patience, and guidance as I try to raise these 3 angels with whom I have been blessed. I look at other moms and wonder how they can make it look so easy, and I find myself asking why I struggle with this sacred and special calling to be a mom. Why did Aiden, Reilly, and MacKenzie choose me for their mother...didn't they know better? Didn't they know of my weakness and failings, and if so, why didn't they choose another mom more deserving of them? I want to teach my girls right from wrong, good from bad; how to behave properly and how to appropriately control their emotions. I want to build their confidence and help them to realize and understand they are divine and holy daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. I want them to love life and love others, to be curious and inquisitive, selfless and giving, capable and self-sufficient, brave and daring, humble and reverent. But how can I do all this when I continually struggle through these little challenges? Through these rough patches? How can I have the faith to make it through this period of life, without coming across as a fake and imposter? How can I set the example when I falter in my own confidence and understanding?
I suppose this is what I mean when I say I will fake it to make. I will try to act/lead/teach/mother in the way I desire, even if I don't feel capable or confident in my own abilities. I will put on that happy, smiling face, even when I am crying and breaking apart inside. I will calm myself and control my reactions, even though I might be raging inside. I will tell my daughters (and husband) how much I love them (because I do...a LOT)...even if I might not like their actions or behavior at a particular moment. I will continue to work to build my confidence and self-trust, and to overcome my weaknesses, so that I can be a better and stronger example of the behaviors I would like to see my daughters develop. It may not be easy. It may not come as naturally to me as I would like. But I will not fail. I WILL make this motherhood thing work...even if I have to fake it for a little while.
**For the record, I have debated for over a week whether or not I should post this as , for me, this is a very honest confession on a very personal and important matter. I am very blessed in so many ways, which is part of the reason why I feel so guilty admitting some of things mentioned above. I ultimately decided to publish it to stay true to my commitment to journal things for me and my family, even if it isn't a happy, smiling, "sunshine and roses" moment...thanks for bearing with me.**
