I am exhausted all the time, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder where the fun, spunky, confident, spirited Becky that I remember has gone. I would like to think the old me is still in there...that my frustration and discouragement and feelings of inadequacy have not completely consumed the fun, cheerful part of me. I am trying to be better. I constantly pray for help, patience, and guidance as I try to raise these 3 angels with whom I have been blessed. I look at other moms and wonder how they can make it look so easy, and I find myself asking why I struggle with this sacred and special calling to be a mom. Why did Aiden, Reilly, and MacKenzie choose me for their mother...didn't they know better? Didn't they know of my weakness and failings, and if so, why didn't they choose another mom more deserving of them? I want to teach my girls right from wrong, good from bad; how to behave properly and how to appropriately control their emotions. I want to build their confidence and help them to realize and understand they are divine and holy daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. I want them to love life and love others, to be curious and inquisitive, selfless and giving, capable and self-sufficient, brave and daring, humble and reverent. But how can I do all this when I continually struggle through these little challenges? Through these rough patches? How can I have the faith to make it through this period of life, without coming across as a fake and imposter? How can I set the example when I falter in my own confidence and understanding?
I suppose this is what I mean when I say I will fake it to make. I will try to act/lead/teach/mother in the way I desire, even if I don't feel capable or confident in my own abilities. I will put on that happy, smiling face, even when I am crying and breaking apart inside. I will calm myself and control my reactions, even though I might be raging inside. I will tell my daughters (and husband) how much I love them (because I do...a LOT)...even if I might not like their actions or behavior at a particular moment. I will continue to work to build my confidence and self-trust, and to overcome my weaknesses, so that I can be a better and stronger example of the behaviors I would like to see my daughters develop. It may not be easy. It may not come as naturally to me as I would like. But I will not fail. I WILL make this motherhood thing work...even if I have to fake it for a little while.
I'm glad you were willing to publish this! You communicated exactly how I feel right now and how I have felt for quite awhile now. Being a mom is so so hard! Know your not alone; I'm right there with ya :)
ReplyDeleteI think EVERY good mom feels this way, at least sometimes. We have never done this before and it's SO hard, but we know it's important and we want to do a good job. That's a perfect recipe for major stress! I've had a hard time since having baby 5 (for many reasons) and it helped me to read an article from Power of Moms about stress and mommy burn out. She said even good things- like having a baby- are still stressful. You react the same way as if it was a bad thing. I always feel bad if I get stressed about good things like family vacations or babies or the kids home for the summer. It really helped me to let go of the the guilt and realize that good things are stressful too- and it's okay to feel that way. Anyway, it was a good article. http://powerofmoms.com/2012/07/10-ways-to-achieve-mommy-burnout/ Just know that you aren't alone and we are all just doing the best we can! Your girls are darling and lucky to have a mom who is trying so hard. Hugs ♥
ReplyDeleteOh girl if I could be as good of a mom as you I would be doing good. we all fall a little but we can always start a new day. I know your girls love you so very much. We love you so much and I look to you as an example all the time. You are so talented and can do so much it blows my mind. I can not wait to see you this next week.
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