Who Am I Kidding?

Today is the day I realized I have absolutely, positively no clue what I am doing as a mother. I had my doubts before, lots of them, but today simply confirmed it. AK and Roo have gotten the best of me...they have tried and tested every ounce of patience in me...I am totally and completely spent.

I cannot handle the constant screaming and tantrums, the endless replies of "No, mama...I said NO!" I am tired of the daily struggles to get their hair brushed, teeth brushed, [clean] clothes put on, diapers changed, toys picked up, [healthy] food eaten, food picked up, or to simply get both of them from the apartment to the car without having to go back for a million forgotten things (sippy cups, teddy, cheetah, striped blankey, purse, toys....etc., etc.). I have almost completely given up on their afternoon naps, and bed time comes whenever they finally stop fighting with us (lately, it's been about 10:30 or 11:00). I do not like getting hit, or kicked, or scratched when I try to pick them up off the ground mid-tantrum, but I don't know what else to do when we are in the middle of a store and one of my children decides to have a spontaneous meltdown.

I understand these "episodes" are to be expected at this age. As my sister-in-law has mentioned, we are leaving the "terrible two's" and entering the "horrible three's." Maybe I feel overwhelmed because I have to battle with two [very independent and sassy] toddlers at the same time, when many parents only have one. Maybe I feel inadequate because so many other parents make it look so easy. Whatever the reason or explanation may be, who am I kidding - I simply am not cut out to be a mother...at least, not today anyway.

It figures that just as I was finishing this post, AK came up to me after getting out of the tub and asked me so sweetly to brush her hair. When I was done, she said "Thanks, mama" and puckered up to give me a kiss. I ask myself now how such a sweet and loving girl can give me such a hard time??? Am I magnifying all the "hard times" into something much worse than they really are? I feel terrible losing my patience with the girls so many times today; for being so quick to anger and discipline them rather than being concerned and caring. I still have so much to learn about being a mother, and I realize if I give up now, I will not be able to grow into the mother that AK and Roo truly deserve. I have many faults; I am aware of my weaknesses; but tomorrow will give me another chance to learn and grow from the two most patient teachers I know - my sweet, beautiful, and loving daughters. Honestly....what could be better than that?

Even though my current life has many tantrums, and fits, and a lot of screams and crying, I know there are many more hugs, and kisses, and giggles, and snuggles in store for me in the future. I need to keep that in mind and look at the big picture. Life is all about learning and loving and growing...life, for me at least, is all about being a mom.