Dear Super Bowl Patrons...

Okay - so I am being completely un-original in this posting idea, but after reading my sisters' blogs (thank you Valerie and Cynthia), I think this just may be the best way to let go of my frustrations and get on with my life.

Dear Hotel* Guests:

Now that the game is over, please GO HOME. You are no longer welcome in Phoenix, and you have definintely overstayed your welcome. Please spare me from having to listen to another night of alcohol-induced conversation. It is not my fault that you have no self-control and cannot handle your liquor. The bar closes at 11:00 pm and there is no manager on duty - NO, I will not make exceptions just so you can become more intoxicated and even more annoying. Besides, you are a lousy tipper.
Please do not complain to me about the 45-60 minute wait for a taxi cab - this is Super Bowl weekend, for crying out loud. Besides, I am the one who wasted 20 minutes of my time trying to locate a company that would transport your drunk butt in the first place, so I really do not care to hear you complain.
Please note that I am merely an employee of the hotel - I am not your counselor, psychologist, babysitter, travel agent, personal assistant, or chauffer. Yes, my job description requires that I cook a limited selection of appetizers upon your request, but that does not mean that you can demand 5 pizzas, 4 spring rolls, 3 chocolate chunk cookies, 1 blueberry scone, tomato bisque soup, and 2 bottled waters delivered up to your room at 4:30 in the morning. If your drunken entourage wants to inflict death by trans fatty acids upon yourselves at that early hour of the morning, so be it. Please, however, do so at a 24-hour establishment such as Denny's so that I can focus on my nightly reports and other work-related duties, and not waste an entire hour preparing food that you won't even eat because you'll end up passing out before it's finished cooking.
Please do not deplete our entire collection of lost and abandoned cell phone chargers - these are saved for guests who honestly forgot their charger and need their phone or PDA for business-related matters during their stay (and are returned to us at check-out). If you can afford to pay $599 a night for a four night minimum stay, then you can afford to call a cab to take you to the local mall and buy a new charger yourself. If you really, honestly need to use the charger, then one will do - you do not need to take all 6 that are in the bin simply because they are there.
For the pilots who were transferred to our location because your original hotel wanted to use your rooms to make buckoo-bucks this weekend - please do not come back. While the majority of you were somewhat pleasant, the few ruined it for the entire group. I cannot help that the bar closed before you arrived at our hotel - do not curse at me or treat me like an idiot because I am no longer able to serve you alcohol. If you like, I would be more than happy to spend 20 minutes calling a cab to take you to a real bar. While you are waiting, do not ask me for free cookies or food - we are a business, not a charity. If you see something you would like to eat, I would be more than glad to warm it up for you after you pay for it. I understand that your regular hotel provides you ceratin accommodations, but we are not your regular hotel - they sold you out to make a profit this weekend, remember? Also, do not curse and yell at me because your regular hotel double-booked flight crews and sent us more people than we had rooms for - that was their error, not ours. They cannot send 30 people to our hotel when we only have 25 rooms allocated for the flight crews. While I understand your frustration, I cannot pull an additional 5 rooms out of thin air regardless of how loud and insulting you become.
For the drunken transients who flew into town without making a hotel reservation or reserving a mode of transportation and came wandering into my hotel at 2:30 in the morning - WOW! Here's your sign. Why would you fly halfway aross the country for an event as big as the Super Bowl, and not first secure lodging? Our hotel is sold out and has been for over a month. No, I am not lying to you and I am sorry that the hotel next door misinformed you - they were probably trying to get your drunk butt off of their premises since they too have been booked for over a month. Besides, if it were really that important to you, you should have worried about getting a hotel before you visited every bar in town and got so drunk that you cannot walk straight or talk clearly. There is this thing called personal space, and I do not appreciate having your drunken mug so close to me that I can taste the alcohol on your breath. Disgusting. Please leave and do not come back...if you refuse to leave the premises, I will call the local law enforcement. I am sure they would be more than happy to accommodate you in a 4x6 cell for the evening - free of charge!

*The name of the actual hotel has been ommitted for my peace of mind. Yes - I am paranoid that some corporate executive may get bored and start looking online...chances of it happening are slim to none, but I am okay with being overly cautious.