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Friday, May 23, 2008

Confessions of a Terrible Mom

**The purpose of this post is nearly to vent my personal frustrations and feelings of inadequacy at being a mother...I am in no way trying to solicit extra praise or encouragement, nor am I attempting to convey a "woest me" attitude. Today is a day where I just feel seriously inept at being a mother..."

Okay, so I know in the past I have said that the purpose of this blog is to keep everyone posted on the happenings of our lives, and for the most part I try to remain upbeat and positive about everything. Today, however, I need to clear my conscience by stating....I am a very terrible mother and wife. Seriously, I really am!!

I have recently come to the realization that I am much too impatient and I yell too much. I don't spend enough time playing educational games or reading books, or giving each of the girls one-on-one time. I am lousy at keeping up with the laundry and dishes, let alone the dusting, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming that get seriously neglected. I try to be patient and keep my cool with the girls, I really do! But it seems like the harder I try, the more I just bottle up inside until it gets to the point where all that pent up frustration and anger just erupts! Of course, who is going to bear the brunt of it when I finally do explode? Yup - the girls, because they are the two with whom I spend most of my time. And I know it's not fair to them, it's not fair at all. And usually, all it takes is for me to see how hurt or scared they are by my little outburst to realize just how unnecessary and childish it was for me to react like that. They are only two and half years old, for crying out loud - they're still learning and exploring and getting into mischief is part of their growing process. I know that, and I understand that....so why am I so quick to get so upset with them?

And how do all you other moms out there do it? I swear, most days it seems like I am the only mother in the entire state of Arizona who scolds or gets stern with her children. And, of course, it always seems like all the other children are perfectly behaved - sitting when they are told to, eating without question when food is given to them, and basically listening to any directions given to them by their mothers. SO, why can't I be like one of those moms? Why am I so quick to anger, so ineffective in teaching and instructing, and so slow to realize when my actions are completely uncalled for and out of line? I love AK and Roo more than anything in this world - more than even I understand, but yet, why is it so easy for me to get so frustrated and upset with them? They are the sweetest, most patient, forgiving, and loving girls...seriously, words do not explain just how inadequate I feel at being a mother, nor can I apologize or make up enough for getting as upset with them as I do at times. I feel absolutely lousy today...miserable and guilty for being such a terrible mother. They deserve better than what I have been giving them, but I really wonder if I am capable of doing anything better?

3 comments:

  1. I frequently feel that I yell too much, scold too often (and usually over the smallest and silliest of things) and I don't keep my cool as often as I would like. A & K have seen me at my worst - luckily they still love me and are quick to forgive. I just have to remember to forgive myself when I lose it.
    Just know you are not alone in this bumpy ride through motherhood. I am right there with you, maybe even yelling with you at the same time. Lots of hugs and loves from me to you!! Anytime you need it!
    One day we will figure it out.

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  2. I'm sure you are a great mom! It is hard having just 1 child... I can't imagine 2 at the same age! I have no advice, just giving you my sympathy. ; )

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  3. i felt the same way today. i have said this before to lots of people, that being a mom is seriously HARD for me and i am definitely NOT the best at it and I hate that. I wish it were easier, I really do.

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